Random Thoughts about Marriage (Part 2 of 2)

Thinking about marriage, I remember some of the strange incidents that took place long time ago. These were told to me by my parents. Only word of mouth. So, there could have been some exaggerations along the way. But they are real incidents that occurred.. These are not my runaway imaginations.

This happened in Mumbai, I was told. In those days there was a 3 year waiting list to get a vespa scooter. In a particular marriage, part of the dowry deal was the bride’s father should give the groom a vespa scooter on the marriage day. The marriage day came and the bride’s father could not deliver the vespa scooter because of the waiting list. He said he has the money and will give the money. This was not acceptable to the groom side. They argued and argued and argued in front of so many guests. Finally, the bride told the groom he has 10 minutes to decide. That 10 minutes came and gone. The groom was not willing unless a vespa scooter was produced. The bride took the mike and told the gathering as to what is happening and asked if any of the guests is willing to marry her that very minute. One of the groom’s friends came forward. Bingo. They both got married immediately.

Among Tamilians, there is this meeting called Pen Parkum Padalam. The groom and his family visit the bride and her family for the first time to officially “see” the girl. If both sides approve the boy and the girl, then the negotiations for dowry, engagement function date, and marriage date discussions will begin.

This also happened in Mumbai. My much older second cousin was living with his parents in Mumbai. His family arranged to meet officially one Sunday, a prospective bride and her family (Pen Parkum Padalam). My second cousin was very much excited and curious to see how the girl looks like. He did not want to wait for one week. His desire overcame his judgment. Therefore, he goes to the girl’s house in Mattunga the previous Sunday and knocks the door. Girl’s dad opens the door. He tells the girl’s dad that he is the boy’s uncle, leaving for Madras in a couple of days, and therefore could not come next Sunday with the family to officially see the girl. He wanted to see the girl earlier. The girl comes, falls on his feet for blessings, and after some time the “uncle” leaves the girl’s house.

Next Sunday, he along with his parents goes to the girl’s house. Everyone was shocked in the girl’s house. They asked the boy why he came last week posing as the boy’s uncle. He told the truth. Finally, everything worked out well. They both got married and lived happily.

This happened in a village in Tamilnadu. On a Pen Parkum Padalam, the prospective groom’s father asked his son privately if he liked the girl. The boy told his father that he liked the girl but she has very small breasts. The boy’s father got so angry at his son and he started to beat him in front of every one with his chappal. He told his son to fall on the feet of the prospective bride and ask for forgiveness. The boy got so afraid and he started to fall on the feet of the girl. The girl and her family did not know what was happening. They knew something was wrong. Otherwise the boy’s father would not beat him with the chappal. The girl went crying to the other room. Now the boy’s father asked his son to fall on the feet of the girl’s parents and ask for forgiveness. The boy did. Then, in an angry tone, the boy’s father explained everything.

He then begged the girl’s parents to go ahead and finalize this marriage. He wanted this particular girl as his daughter in law. He would forego the usual dowry and he will bear all the expenses for the marriage. The girl’s parents politely but firmly said NO.

Another story my parents told me happened long time ago in a remote village in Tamilnadu.

The bride’s side was short of 5 sovereigns of gold on the marriage day. Any how the marriage took place. That night, they have to consummate the marriage. The girl was waiting in the bedroom. The groom side will not allow him to go to the bedroom unless the 5 sovereigns are given to them. After about 30 minutes, the bride’s father got angry. He then told the groom if he does not go to the bedroom within 5 minutes to consummate the marriage, he would send his household servant to do the job. The groom ran to the bedroom. Ha ha ha. Funny.

If you know any funny story like this, please tell us.

Random Thoughts about Marriage (Part 1 of 2)

After reading Varsha Shrote’s blog, The Big Fat South-Indian Wedding, I was reminiscing about marriages in India and various customs.

She attended a Tamil wedding. Even in Tamil weddings, there are different customs and practices, particularly between Brahmins and non-Brahmins.

For example, in a Tamil Brahmin marriage, when the groom ties the THAALI (MANGALSUTRA) to the bride’s neck, she will be sitting on the lap of his father. The bride will be wearing a 9 yards saree (madisaar). The groom will be standing in front of them and tie the knot.

In a Tamil non-Brahmin marriage, the groom and the bride will be sitting on the floor side by side and the groom will turn around towards her and tie the THAALI. The bride will be wearing a 6 yard saree.

It is a happy occasion for all. It is actually a happy social gathering. However, all the mantras are recited in Sanskrit. Neither the groom nor the bride or for that matter no one assembled in the hall knows the meaning of these mantras. At the time of tying the knot, the following sloka is mechanically recited without understanding what it means:

Maangalyam thanthunaanaena mama jeevitha haethunaa /
kanttae bathnaami supahae sanjeeva sarasa satham.

The meaning is: "This yellow rope is managala suthram. This will help my longevity. I shall now tie this rope in your neck. I pray you live happily for a hundred years.

In Tamilnadu, it is legal to marry certain relatives. For example, I can marry:

My sister’s daughter. My father’s sister’s daughter. My mother’s brother’s daughter.

If I have to say in a cruel uneducated village language, I have the first “right” to marry her. About 35 years ago, 60% of marriages in Tamilnadu were among close relatives like the above. In some villages, there have been riots and murders when the bride’s father looked for a groom outside of the immediate relatives, when one was available within the relatives. Even today, marriages between relatives are common in Tamilnadu.

Yes, every one knows that it is unhealthy. Children may born handicapped. But family tradition takes precedence.

In Northern India, these cousins are considered sisters/brothers. When I was unmarried, I told a North Indian friend of mine that I may end up marrying (arranged marriage) my mother’s brother’s daughter. He got furious and stopped talking to me for a month. He thought I was about to commit some sort of incest. For those who are interested, I did not marry any of my relatives. My wife is an outsider.

Addressing this type of cousin as “brother” or “sister” is very common in North India. Even some close family friends are addressed as “relatives”.

This reminds me of an anecdote. My wife’s brother is married to a Punjabi girl. They lived in New Delhi. When we visited them, they took us to his father-in-law’s home. The father-in-law told my wife that he is going to see his “mathaji” next block and if she wants to accompany him to meet her. My wife said OK and accompanied him. In the next block, they both went to an old lady’s house. He fell on her feet for blessings. So did my wife. He introduced her to my wife that this is his “mathaji”. When we came home, my wife asked her brother as to why he did not tell her before hand that Kiran’s (her brother’s wife) grand mother is living nearby. Then her brother and Kiran have to explain the whole situation that this old lady was a close family friend and not her father’s real mother. Until the explanation, my wife really believed that her manni’s (elder brother’s wife) grand mother lived nearby.

Here is another one. While on the same visit to New Delhi, after a few days, a couple visited my brother-in-law and his wife. They were introduced to us. When they were leaving, the gentleman said that he was glad that his sister is living in USA. I immediately asked him where she is living in USA. He then pointed out to my wife and said I meant this sister of mine.

Since this blog is getting a longer, I will call this Part 1 and stop. Stay tuned for Part 2. More interesting anecdotes.