Random Thoughts about Marriage (Part 1 of 2)

After reading Varsha Shrote’s blog, The Big Fat South-Indian Wedding, I was reminiscing about marriages in India and various customs.

She attended a Tamil wedding. Even in Tamil weddings, there are different customs and practices, particularly between Brahmins and non-Brahmins.

For example, in a Tamil Brahmin marriage, when the groom ties the THAALI (MANGALSUTRA) to the bride’s neck, she will be sitting on the lap of his father. The bride will be wearing a 9 yards saree (madisaar). The groom will be standing in front of them and tie the knot.

In a Tamil non-Brahmin marriage, the groom and the bride will be sitting on the floor side by side and the groom will turn around towards her and tie the THAALI. The bride will be wearing a 6 yard saree.

It is a happy occasion for all. It is actually a happy social gathering. However, all the mantras are recited in Sanskrit. Neither the groom nor the bride or for that matter no one assembled in the hall knows the meaning of these mantras. At the time of tying the knot, the following sloka is mechanically recited without understanding what it means:

Maangalyam thanthunaanaena mama jeevitha haethunaa /
kanttae bathnaami supahae sanjeeva sarasa satham.

The meaning is: "This yellow rope is managala suthram. This will help my longevity. I shall now tie this rope in your neck. I pray you live happily for a hundred years.

In Tamilnadu, it is legal to marry certain relatives. For example, I can marry:

My sister’s daughter. My father’s sister’s daughter. My mother’s brother’s daughter.

If I have to say in a cruel uneducated village language, I have the first “right” to marry her. About 35 years ago, 60% of marriages in Tamilnadu were among close relatives like the above. In some villages, there have been riots and murders when the bride’s father looked for a groom outside of the immediate relatives, when one was available within the relatives. Even today, marriages between relatives are common in Tamilnadu.

Yes, every one knows that it is unhealthy. Children may born handicapped. But family tradition takes precedence.

In Northern India, these cousins are considered sisters/brothers. When I was unmarried, I told a North Indian friend of mine that I may end up marrying (arranged marriage) my mother’s brother’s daughter. He got furious and stopped talking to me for a month. He thought I was about to commit some sort of incest. For those who are interested, I did not marry any of my relatives. My wife is an outsider.

Addressing this type of cousin as “brother” or “sister” is very common in North India. Even some close family friends are addressed as “relatives”.

This reminds me of an anecdote. My wife’s brother is married to a Punjabi girl. They lived in New Delhi. When we visited them, they took us to his father-in-law’s home. The father-in-law told my wife that he is going to see his “mathaji” next block and if she wants to accompany him to meet her. My wife said OK and accompanied him. In the next block, they both went to an old lady’s house. He fell on her feet for blessings. So did my wife. He introduced her to my wife that this is his “mathaji”. When we came home, my wife asked her brother as to why he did not tell her before hand that Kiran’s (her brother’s wife) grand mother is living nearby. Then her brother and Kiran have to explain the whole situation that this old lady was a close family friend and not her father’s real mother. Until the explanation, my wife really believed that her manni’s (elder brother’s wife) grand mother lived nearby.

Here is another one. While on the same visit to New Delhi, after a few days, a couple visited my brother-in-law and his wife. They were introduced to us. When they were leaving, the gentleman said that he was glad that his sister is living in USA. I immediately asked him where she is living in USA. He then pointed out to my wife and said I meant this sister of mine.

Since this blog is getting a longer, I will call this Part 1 and stop. Stay tuned for Part 2. More interesting anecdotes.